1. A home restaurant you will sit with people you don’t know.
2. You get seconds.
3. You eat what you are given. No choice.
4. The hostess may come and get drunk with you afterwards.
5. If I’m tired you have to get up and get it yourself.
6. You get to look at my cheap toiletries (Tesco value shampoo and Indian £ shop conditioner) and my dodgy 80’s record collection (but you also get to see my black and white photographs of my travels which are for sale).
7. Nobody comes along with a little brush and scrapes the crumbs off your table.
8. Nobody gives you a taste of your wine first.
9. If you annoy me I may chuck you out (not happened yet).
10. If I fancy you I might sleep with you afterwards (not happened yet).
11. If you get very drunk you can stay the night on the sofabed, but only if you help clear up the next day.
12. The entire menu changes every week.
13. I offer concessionary prices for people on benefits.