Super freaky shake

Some of the more assiduous readers of my blog may remember when I was fat-shamed over freak shakes at a restaurant in New York. 
What is a freak shake? It’s a milkshake but not as you know it. This is not clean eating, in fact it’s the very opposite, the messier the better. Drips, sprinkles, a sticky rim, sweets protruding from every direction, cakes and biscuits propped on top, it’s a visual feast of outrageous proportions, but rather difficult to handle with refinement. Try to grip the glass and you are likely to end up with hands smeared with chocolate and caramel. To drink a freakshake requires tactical elegance, to build one demands architectural ability.
Use a tall jam jar such as a Mason, Ball or Kilner drinking jar, the rim helps to stop the overflow. Buy retro paper straws or thick straws. The thinking here is more is more.
Yes I agree, this is silly internet meme food. Millennials, who drive this kind of thing on Instagram, seem to suffer from disordered eating: either demonising carbs, drinking kale smoothies or gorging themselves on Willy Wonka food. All kinds of fucked up really.
This recipe first appeared in my weekly recipe column in Metro newspaper.

Optional: to make it even naughtier, add alcohol. You can buy outrageous ‘hard shakes’, at Pond in Dalston, London.

Strawberry Pavlova freakshake

50g white chocolate
2 tbsp Freeze dried strawberries
1 tbsp Crystallised rose petal pieces
3 scoops vanilla icecream
250ml Strawberry milk
6 strawberries, some sliced, some whole
2 big squirts of whipped cream from a can
2 or 3 mini Meringues

1. Break a few squares of white chocolate into a saucer and melt for 30 seconds in the microwave.
2.  Have another saucer with your chosen sprinkles, this time I used freeze dried strawberry and candied rose petals but you could also use any pink or red sprinkles. 
3. Dip your jam jar into the saucer with white chocolate, turning the jar around to make sure the rim is completely coated. 
4. Then lightly dip the rim in the other saucer full of sprinkles.
5. Leave to set in the fridge for a minute or two.
6. Add three or four scoops of vanilla icecream to the glass/jar, interspersing with slices of fresh strawberry. 
7. Top up with strawberry milk. 
8. Squirt whipped canned cream on top.
9. Add the straws
10. Add more sprinkles.
11. Add a whole strawberry or two to the top.
12. Then press in 2 or 3 mini meringues ( I made mine but most supermarkets sell them)
13. Drink quickly!

Crunchie honeycomb caramel freakshake

Makes one freakshake

50g milk or dark chocolate
3 tbsps chocolate sprinkles
2 tbsps of mini honeycomb pieces 
3 scoops salted caramel
or vanilla icecream with 3 tbsp salted caramel sauce
250ml whole milk
2/3 squirts canned whipped cream
2 squirts of chocolate sauce
1 crunchie bar

1. Break a few squares of the chocolate into a saucer and melt for 30 seconds in the microwave.
2.  Have another saucer with chocolate sprinkles
3. Dip your jam jar into the saucer with the chocolate, turning the jar around to make sure the rim is completely coated. 
4. Then lightly dip the rim in another saucer of sprinkles.
5. Press in some mini honeycomb pieces to the chocolate rim.
6. Leave to set in the fridge for a minute or two.
7. Add three or four scoops of vanilla icecream to the glass/jar, interspersing with squirts of salted caramel sauce if not using salted caramel icecream. 
8. Top up with milk. 
9. Squirt whipped canned cream on top
10. Add the straws
11. Add more sprinkles and honeycomb pieces
12. Squirt on some more chocolate sauce
13. Then prod in the crunchie bar
14. Drink quickly!