P and O cruise tips: life and death at sea.

The food here is of a gourmet standard, with a wine list chosen by TV wine guru Olly Smith. Definitely worth booking here for an occasion. We also had afternoon tea, designed by Eric Lanlard.

Staff

Most of the ship crew is Indian or Philipino: the Indians are soft-spoken while the Philippinos are smiley and almost overly attentive. In the dining room, you have the choice of eating alone or sharing a table with others, a bit like a supper club.

Staff frequently expressed surprise that I was on my own (apart from the few days I spent with my sister who joined in Madeira and left from Lisbon). I preferred to be on my own, eating while reading a book, which I love. I like some solitude when I’m travelling. Waiters would whisper the title of my book as they passed, I’d hear snatches like:

‘Jon Ronson.’ 

Then, approaching me: ‘This book, what is it about?’ 

‘It’s a book by Jon Ronson, a book of short stories.’ 

‘Ah yes I’ve heard of him,’ the waiter said.

I sort of didn’t believe him. Is Ronson big in India?

You are expected to tip the cabin steward and this is added to your bill. There is no cash on board, you have a ‘cruise card’, which is logged with your credit card. 

Dress

I packed a nautical wardrobe. I soon realised, so did everyone else. Stripes everywhere.

‘Take sequins. Lots of sequins.’

I saw what she meant on the first Black Tie Night. Those oldsters certainly know how to put on a show: the men looked so handsome in crisp white shirts with pleated fronts, bow ties, dinner jackets, all elderly James Bonds. The women had their hair blow dried, folded into chignons, teased and flicked; the jewels were out on display, earrings, rings, necklaces even armbands of diamonds; satin heels and glinting dresses, silk clutch bags. Pashminas came into their own. I felt underdressed.

Entertainment

All of landlubbing life is recreated on board: nightly theatre, pubs, casinos, quizzes, workshops ‘make your own corsage’, talks ‘nutritional eating’, gym and stretch classes. 

Cruise ship entertainment often doesn’t have a very good reputation but the point is, there is lots of it. I saw the ventriloquist who, I’ll be frank, I didn’t quite ‘get’. The audience, however, were (literally) pissing themselves. I glanced around bewildered at the uproarious laughter.

I missed Sam Bailey, X Factor winner, which I regret. It’s the sort of thing I’d never pay for on land so I should have made the effort. I heard good things about the ‘Barry from Eastenders’ set. 

I’m more of a quiz person and participated most nights in the syndicate quiz, which got quite heated at some points. Ferocious players all.

Deck ‘quoits’ is a traditional game on long cruises, in which players throw coils of rope. I also enjoyed hanging out in the library wing-tipped armchairs on rainy days. This lies next to the ‘crow’s nest’ bar at the fore of the ship, where people would spend all day looking at the horizon, the hynoptic lure of the sea. 

The Ocean

It’s never boring: the sea, a liquid epidermis wrapped around this knobbly rock, the Earth, held in place by gravity.

I was invited by P and O cruises for a 14 night cruise to Madeira, the Canary Islands, Lisbon, from Southampton. 

In my next posts, I will discuss each island stop and my day with Eric Lanlard.