• Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • Snapchat
  • Twitter
  • YouTube
  • Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

MsMarmiteLover

  • Food
    • Recipes
    • Vegetarian
    • Vegan
  • Travel
    • France
    • Italy
    • Spain
    • UK
  • Wine
  • Gardens
  • Supperclubs/Events
  • About
    • Published Articles
    • Books
  • Shop
    • Cart

Tears and carbs

April 17, 2013 19 Comments Filed Under: Food, Recipes, Uncategorized

passion fruit curd doughnuts

So the teen went back to university yesterday after being at home for a month. I drove home from dropping her off at Kings Cross station and self-medicated with comfort food: freshly fried doughnuts filled with passion fruit curd. The best doughnuts I ever had was at the Brick Lane Bagel shop which used to fry up jam doughnuts on a Saturday afternoon. They’ve got to be freshly fried.
I needed the carbs, I justified, because I had to park far away and drag her suitcase, which is as big as she is, the weight and size of a coffin, my heart pounding with the effort, miles down the York Way so she could take a train to York.
When she’s home, I feel better, I don’t have that feeling of something being missing from the house. I only have the one you see and I don’t have a husband. The first couple of weeks when she’s gone, I still think she’s present, in her bedroom (she spends most of her time in her bedroom even when she’s home). It’s a strange feeling, like a phantom limb. I’ve got no one to shout at.
It’s getting better, however, the mini-bereavement every time she goes away, not as bad as last October, the first time she left. But this Easter holidays I got the vibe from her that I remember so well from how I was with my parents: that sensation of slightly not being able to stand being around them for very long, being both bored, irritated, depressed and powerless. Of feeling that being with my parents was not the centre of the world. It’s disconcerting to be on the other end of that. It makes you feel old.
The tough bit with having children is not the baby stuff, the sleepless nights and the not going out. It really isn’t.
It’s this: knowing that you will fade from importance in their lives, that your main value to them is when things are going wrong, when, quite rightly, they will boomerang right back. That you will see less and less of them as the years go on, as they form relationships and have children. That Western society regards clinginess to parents as a bad thing. Worse, if you are a man, mother love is seen as the primary symptom of a future Psycho killer.
As a parent, this is the only relationship in life where you must tolerate this inequality. It requires mountains of self-sacrifice. I only hope I’m strong enough.
Until the end of course. I don’t see my parents often enough, they are always travelling, but I dread my parents dying. What will I do? Who will I go to for advice? How will I ever go home again? Home isn’t a place but a history, a habit.
Will the tape in my head, comprised mainly of their values, which half of the time I fought against, determining what I thought not what they thought, still play? I’ll have two big parent-shaped holes in me. Emotionally, I’ll be a doughnut.

passion fruit curd

Recipe for Passion fruit curd doughnuts

Curd

4-5 passion fruits, scooped out
4 egg yolks
100g (1/2 a cup) caster sugar
75g (3/4 stick) unsalted butter, cold, cut into pieces
Pinch of salt

Put the yolks, passion fruit and sugar into a pan and cook slowly, stirring constantly, as it forms into a custard. It should reach about 70c/160F and take 10 minutes.
Then take off the heat and slowly stir the butter in gradually. Add the pinch of salt.
Strain the passion fruit curd into a container and let it cool.

passion fruit curd doughnuts

Doughnuts

I used Dan Lepard’s recipe from Short & Sweet but it did take a long time. Do punch holes in the doughnuts, I found that the inside was not sufficiently fried if I tried to fry them whole.
Here is a quicker recipe and next time I will try that.
Fry in clean vegetable oil (that hasn’t been used for anything savoury) in a deep frying pan or use a dedicated deep fat fryer. They fry really quickly, within a minute or less, so do keep an eye and fry a few at a time.
Then dip them in a bowl of caster sugar, turn them over and sugar both sides.
To fill them with the curd: fill a piping bag and cut a small hole in the side of the fried doughnut, driving it either side of the hole. Fit the tip of the piping bag in and fill. This works!
Best eaten on the day with a cup of tea.
Options: try dusting them with different sugars: Tate & Lyle’s delicious Golden Syrup sugar, lavender infused sugar or cinnamon infused sugar
passion fruit curd doughnut

Recent posts

High protein recipes: roast tofu block

July 2, 2025

Sour cherry and rose ice cream recipe

June 28, 2025

Midsummer Supper Club 21st June 2025

June 1, 2025

Previous Post: « It’s a wrap menu and recipe for home-made ‘After Ates’ mints
Next Post: Orange wine makers of Slovenia »

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Tansy'sKitchen

    April 17, 2013 at 5:03 pm

    You know what I love when you write about food but i really realy love when you write about being a mum and other real stuff in your world.

    Reply
  2. Sarah

    April 17, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    Golden syrup sugar! I must seek that out.

    I know exactly what you mean by the way, it was the same when I left home. Mum cried for two weeks solid. Going back did seem a bit like a chore. It took about six years I think; I was home between flats, it was so *nice* to be looked after but at the same time I felt treated like an adult whose opinion was valued.

    Reply
  3. theundergroundrestaurant

    April 17, 2013 at 5:06 pm

    Thanks Tansy. I keep crying. Why am I crying? Is it Thatcher?

    Reply
  4. theundergroundrestaurant

    April 17, 2013 at 5:53 pm

    Sarah: yes it's taken me a long time to grow up with my parents.

    Reply
  5. thora

    April 17, 2013 at 6:20 pm

    Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing your feelings as a mum and daughter. At the time being, I cling to my parents, too scared to become a donut some time soon.

    Reply
  6. Shelley

    April 17, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    Lovely post Kersten. x

    Reply
  7. theundergroundrestaurant

    April 17, 2013 at 7:26 pm

    Thanks Thora and Shelley xx

    Reply
  8. The Hatch/Thompsons

    April 17, 2013 at 11:17 pm

    What other people said, just beautiful 🙂

    Reply
  9. MMRG

    April 18, 2013 at 12:42 am

    You are definitely not shouting into any void. The phantom umbilical cord is felt for far too long. Most mothers feel the absence of their children when they first leave and eventually learn to enjoy it ….for a while. There is always the anticipation of their return. And then they get married! Or they find someone to share their life and it isn't so bad if they stay in the vicinity. Takes forever to learn to share them with the in-laws, their children, their new friends. And then there comes the time when what goes around comes around. That's when they understand what you went through and suddenly they start sharing with you again what you have known all along. Sometimes you discover that they are better at it than you were or at least it sounds like they do!

    Reply
  10. Gill Watson

    April 18, 2013 at 6:09 am

    Woke up to a storm and your heart-wrenching words. I don't think any child could be bored with you for long my dear. I look at my grown up nieces – 4 of them who were brought up by mys sister on her own – and marvel that they could now all be so loving and close to her They're in their thrties so you may have to wait a bit longer but life is circles – she'll come around. Passion fruit is my big passion, need a doughnut now.

    Reply
  11. Anonymous

    April 18, 2013 at 6:20 am

    Really enjoyed reading this – a beautiful sentiment and one I have been thinking of a lot lately as my mum is getting older and living in another country. Thanks for sharing x

    Reply
  12. Mrs M

    April 18, 2013 at 5:12 pm

    Love this post, although not all children leave their parents – I have my in-laws living with me!! Madness.

    Reply
  13. Anonymous

    April 19, 2013 at 11:06 am

    Great post, I am a mum of an 8 year old, my husband and I are the centre of his universe, can't believe that one day this will change. Life can be hard but also so rewarding, he is the best thing that has ever happended to me

    Reply
  14. Catofstripes

    April 19, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    Mmmm, doughnuts. Don't despair, after the separation a new relationship forms. It's all good.

    Reply
  15. tori

    April 19, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    So beautiful. Not sure if it's the pregnancy hormones or being acutely aware of just how far I am from my mum right now, but you had me in a right quivering mess. The only solution, was carbs.

    Reply
  16. Anonymous

    April 21, 2013 at 6:04 pm

    Really beautifully expressed. You conjure up so well the state of inertia brought on by our parents and the sense of helplessness in their presence that never really goes away. Lovely recipe too. Who doesn't love a hot doughnut?!

    Reply
  17. The Curious Cat

    April 21, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    Thought provoking post and you did doughnuts – my favourite. I love fried ones – none of this naff stuff from the big supermarkets. The Spanish seem to have a healthy family attitude…us Brits should take a closer look. But to make you feel good let me just tell you – my mum is strong and fiery and the most difficult person I know on the planet and you know what? I love her more than anyone else on the planet too even if she drives me insane. It does work both ways…xxx

    Reply
  18. Suzanne Whitton

    April 23, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    This is both heartwarming and heart wrenching all at the same time – much like parenting really! I am on the brink of my eldest turning 13, I have been contemplating 'letting go' a lot recently. Need to have on to get just a bit longer yet though! A lovely post and those doughnuts look amazing! 🙂

    Reply
  19. Suzanne Whitton

    April 23, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    Apologies for the number of predictive text errors in that comment!

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Recipe Rating




Primary Sidebar

MsMarmiteLover aka Kerstin Rodgers.

Chef, photographer, author, journalist, blogger. Pioneer of the supperclub movement.

This is my food and travel blog, with recipes, reviews and travel stories. I also stray into politics, feminism, gardening.

msmarmitelover

I wrote this long read for @scotnational about the I wrote this long read for @scotnational about the anti G8 camp in Stirling to protest against the G8 in Gleneagles. I partipated in the camp & protest along with my daughter @siennamarla playing in the samba band, part of the Pink Bloc. The camp was an incredible experience- the possibility of a different type of politics, of horizontal democracy. It was also a lot of fun. But our protest was tragically overshadowed by the 7/7 bombings in London. We wanted to create a new world but by the actions of a few disaffected British Muslim terrorists our positive movement for change was drowned out by hideous violence against normal ordinary people. Here is my account. 20 years anniversary #7/7 #londonbombings #scotland #antig8 #protest #gleneagles
Cheap stuff. Since the pandemic money has been tig Cheap stuff. Since the pandemic money has been tight. I shop at Lidl and aldi for food, Vinted, Portobello and Primark for clothes. The first pic is gazpacho with a banderilla from Lidl. They often have Spanish weeks and other nationality foods at a bargain price. I love those huge cartons of gazpacho- I glug it down like juice, especially in the heat. The banderillas are sold by the jar. Second pic is me in a primark vest, cardi, with an Anthropologie sale belt and old denim shorts from 10 years ago. Sorry about the mess behind, I sold a piece of furniture, a desk I found on the street, painted enamel green with ‘bamboo’brass handles which I sold on eBay for £225 #needsmust #thrift
My tea book Msmarmitelover’s secret tea party is My tea book Msmarmitelover’s secret tea party is now out on the cookbook app @ckbk it’s now out of print but you can still buy some print copies via me or Amazon. However you can see all the recipes ( like my sour cherry icecream which I served last week) on this site which is like a Spotify for cooks. Arguably afternoon tea is a meal which the English do better than any other country. #cookbooks #afternoontea #supperclubs
Saturdays midsummer supperclub was mostly a bbq on Saturdays midsummer supperclub was mostly a bbq on the @biggreenegguk I divided the meal into fragrance families: vegetal, fougere (fern), green notes, fresh: asparagus, garden artichokes on the bbq, dolmades made from my garden vine leaves. Then citrus fragrances with yuzu, 🍊 🍋 bergamot glaze, salmon, smoked tofu steaks, vegan smoked salmon carrot. Next spice which in perfume is oriental spices: bbq mini aubergines with paprika seed oil, home ground garam masala, a tahini caper dressing. Then wood and resinous fragrances using rosemary oil brushed bbq mini peppers, pine syrup on labneh, mushrooms a la grecque with juniper, finally the floral family of fragrance with sour cherry and rose icecream, lavender shortbread  hearts and orange flower water meringue kisses. It was a lively warm evening- children were welcome. There was a bonfire, lots of wine and laughter. I buy welding gloves £12 from Amazon  to use with the bbq. I also use @pomoragoodfood oils #london
With my home grown artichokes, grown from seed for With my home grown artichokes, grown from seed for tonight’s supperclub.
Sour cherries from the garden for my midsummer sup Sour cherries from the garden for my midsummer supperclub in the garden this Saturday 21st June. Tickets available, link in bio. Also at this link: https://substack.com/redirect/5a700a44-49c1-4e6d-834f-8d4851f98f45?j=eyJ1IjoiMWUzYm4ifQ.njFJL9K8WpzSqVZ5HFSvq84gnJeUD7reFZV9LrDwYtI #midsummernightsdream #supperclub #og #sourcherry
Can’t wait to delve into this by one of my favou Can’t wait to delve into this by one of my favourite food writers @kitchenbee it’s got everything: kitchenalia, divorce and food. Did you know that what we call heartache is actually stomach ache? It’s now recognised that rejection actually causes physical as well as psychological pain. A study shows that pain relief medications such as paracetamol can alleviate heartache. Some of our emotional pain is autonomic: it’s referred to as polyvagal theory. #heartbreak #foodwriting #lovehurts #takotsubo #dopaminewithdrawal
Midsummer supper club 21st June. The theme is frag Midsummer supper club 21st June. The theme is fragrance and scent. Tickets are £45  and you can bring your own drink. Starts 7.30pm and the nearest tube is Kilburn on the jubilee. Parking is free outside. Exact address given on booking. https://msmarmitelover.com/product/midsummer-supper-club-2025-scent-and-fragrance #london #supperclub
Oil portraits of me painted at Burning Van festiva Oil portraits of me painted at Burning Van festival by artists @cristina_vercesi (left) and YouTube sensation and Royal Portrait gallery exhibiter @alex_tzavaras. It was an utter privilege to sit for these wonderful artists- a real highlight. I’m taking them home and framing them. It was easy to sit still for 90 minutes with the amazing DJ set @leonidas_lovetoparty More deets later. #portraiture #festivals #oilpainting
Went with influencers to @standrewslakes in Kent w Went with influencers to @standrewslakes in Kent with @ourfinland @lakelandfinland @pcagency to experience Finnish food such as Karelian pies with egg butter, cinnamon buns, blueberry pies, and pea soup which they have with mustard and sour cream. We did zip lining, kayaking, saunas, whipped ourselves with birch sticks, ate in a gorgeous wooden bbq shed @arctic_cabins at the end of all this activity we were all tired but happy. @miramakeup @holidaywiththeheathers @amie_jane__ @onehungryasian @iamtimchung @travellingtuesdays @helimendetravels @charlotteemilyprice #presstrip
@camille.osullivan @camilleosullivanpics and @grah @camille.osullivan @camilleosullivanpics and @grahnort @wiltonsmusichall god this woman is talented. She did a solo show of The Rape of Lucrece. Her voice! #theatre #shakespeare #london
My latest article on Hungarian cuisine, a unique m My latest article on Hungarian cuisine, a unique meeting of east and west, for @ckbk It's a blend of Ottoman, Eastern and middle European, Austro-Hungarian empire and cowboy food. #food&travel #foodanthropology #hungary
Made Fermented Cucumber dill pickles from @nickvad Made Fermented Cucumber dill pickles from @nickvadasz book The Pickle Jar. At @katzsdeli in New York they sell half sours and full sours. I reckon these are 3/4 sour. The white mould is fine btw. These are delicious #pickleperson #fermentation #guthealthy
London in bloom: wisteria, cherry blossom, lilac, London in bloom: wisteria, cherry blossom, lilac, plum blossom, 🌸 you don’t need to go to Japan for the Sakura season- it’s all here- london at its most beautiful. #london
Bluebell walk on Wanstead flats. The scent is incr Bluebell walk on Wanstead flats. The scent is incredible: similar to lily of the valley. These are actual English bluebells - a deeper colour & more delicate than Spanish bluebells which are rather invasive. #london #walks #april #bluebells
Snapshots from portobello rd market. Portuguese fo Snapshots from portobello rd market. Portuguese folar de pascua bread from Lisboa patisserie,  a gorgeous mosaic table from Fez, my favourite antique shop @muirshindurkin, Alice’s shop, an Easter hat, the best wisteria I wrote a substack on portobello road: https://open.substack.com/pub/kerstinrodgers/p/where-to-go-in-portobello-road-the?r=3873k&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true #london
I visited @tokyobagellondon with my granddaughter I visited @tokyobagellondon with my granddaughter yesterday to try one of their viral wobbly bunnies. We also tried the multi layer Oreo pancake cakes, the onigiri shaped croissant. My sister had the black sesame latte and I had yuzu tea. I spent £35 in a short space of time as each dessert was £5 but it was a fun experience. Ophelia said ‘lovely flowers’ which shows a degree of sophistication for a 2 year old. I preferred the strawberry to the coconut flavour . #londondaysout #grandmacore #easter
A quick high protein lunch of ratatouille with smo A quick high protein lunch of ratatouille with smoked tofu.  @pomoragoodfood olive oil then an aubergine cut into thick slices then quartered. Fry till translucent then add the chunks of red pepper. 2 fat garlic cloves sliced thinly, a block of smoked tofu in chunks, 2 bay leaves, a small handful of maldon salt. A courgette cut into thick half lengthways- then sliced into half moons. I might chuck in a handful of pantelleria capers in vinegar to give some acidity. Serve hot or cold. #sololunch #protein #vegetables
Inspired by @nickvadasz book The pickle Jar I used Inspired by @nickvadasz book The pickle Jar I used his dill pickles to make one of my favourite recipes for lunch - a potato, sour cream & pickle soup. Recipe on the blog. #soup #pickles
One of my favourite ways to eat mushrooms. Cook wh One of my favourite ways to eat mushrooms. Cook whole button mushrooms in olive oil, lemon juice, a little white wine vinegar, salt, bay leaves, whole coriander seeds, thyme, and white wine if you have it to hand. I used @pomoragoodfood olive oil. You can eat it straight away or leave it to marinate longer and eat the next day. #vegetarian #vegan #mushroomrecipe
Follow on Instagram

Archives

Copyright © 2025 msmarmitelover